


Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Future, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 05, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-08
Updated: 2006-02-15
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:18:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 9,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: This story begins where 513 ends. I saw it a couple of hours ago. It really broke my heart.So, this is the story of Brian and Justin post season 5. I have a feeling it will become my longest story yet.Please review...I'd like to know what you think.I'm so sorry everybody. I have posted 18 chapters but only 14 of them are showing. You can read the other on my LJ: my membername is _WhiteMare_http://www.livejournal.com/users/_whitemare_/3153.html . and next entries I guess.You'll find them somewhere....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brians POV

So now I’m dancing. And as I am, suddenly his voice clouds my head and rings out through the fog that has been filling it.

“Whatever else happens, by all means, keep on dancing....”

Not this time, Sunshine. This last dance is for you. 

The last time. I climb down the platform to find Michael staring at me. What the fuck?

[*******************************************************************************************************************************************]

Apparently I’d been crying. Tears had burned their marks on my flushed cheeks. Just like he has. He has burned my heart. No, I’m not putting this well. He didn’t burn anything. He set it on fire. And except for being goofy happy and in love, the side-effects have stayed out so far.  
Not too bad for a one night stand, eh? 

We will get married though. One day. I can feel it in this burning heart of mine. He’s my everything: my partner, my soul...my heart. 

That night I slept with my hand over my heart.

[*******************************************************************************************************************************************]

I slowly open my eyes. “Ju...?” I don’t finish my question. I don’t have to. Even in my sleep, I felt this weird emptiness that reminded me of the times when Justin left me. He didn’t leave me now. Right now, he just...left.

I glance at the clock. It’s fucking 3 am for Christ sakes. I know what I have to do. 

From : BKinney@Kinnetic.org  
To : JTaylor@Sky.com  
Subject: Sleep

Justin,

(The cursor lingers for a few minutes. Just by writing down his name I get this ache in my chest.)

Your plane left 5 hours ago. It has been 5 hours and 42 minutes since I saw you.

I miss you.

 

This bed of ours feels empty. Like it has been during your recovery in the hospital and the fiddler-incident. After I had kicked you out for finding out I had cancer. Those were the hardest times of my life. Not even the pain I felt every time Jack was in one of his moods, could top it. Can top it. ‘Cause you see, when Jack swung, he hurt me physically. I never cared. The pain I feel right now, comes from deep inside of me. I think it is my heart that’s hurting.

Before I met you, I didn’t think I could even locate it. When I saw you, that first night, something happened to me. But it took me a while to develop actual feelings for you, I guess. Or I’d had them all along but didn’t realize. You confuse me. 

Now I love you more than I can handle. I love you so much, Justin. You couldn’t possibly imagine.

You always came back to me. And every time you left, I was so fucking scared that this time would be the time you wouldn’t return to me. 

Just as I was fucking scared when I heard the news about Babylon. Your name kept resounding in my head, and every time I heard it I died a little. I figured this time you wouldn’t survive. There’s only so much pain a person can take. I figure that a great amount of the pain you had to endure was my doing.

When I found you... I can’t even describe how I felt. I found myself saying the words I had dreaded to speak. I have loved you for so long...but to actually say the words. It was like handing my soul over to you. I had wanted to do that forever. I guess I was just a coward. I’m not a coward anymore. Justin Craig Taylor, I love you with all my heart and soul.

Conquer the art world, Justin. You are amazing. Have the best time you can. I will be here. Waiting.

What I said earlier about time just being time...it was bullshit. Time is never just time and every second of every day my thoughts are filled with memories of you. Let’s make new ones.

All my love.

-B.


	2. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

A/N : So, this whole time I've been in Sweden, so I'm sorry I haven't updated yet. What I did do, was write a chapter every single night before I went to sleep. So, brace yourself, here they come.... And oh yeah, it really is a hopelessly romantic story. Let's just say it is ridiculously romantic, shall we?

* * *

I wait for twelve minutes before pressing the send-button. After I finally do, I regret it immediately. Fuck, this isn't me! I'm Brian fucking Kinney! And didn't Justin want that old fucker back? Double Shit.

But then it hits me. Crock of shit, Kinney! This fucking IS you. The one that's been hiding underneath it all. Behind the walls. Inside my heart.

So now, I figure the moment of truth has arrived.

If Justin didn't recognize the things I wrote, he never even loved me at all.

*******************************************

During the hours the follow I find myself to freaking scared to even look near my computer. Although deep down, I know I will have to, eventually. Eventually. Not right now. Let's lock the world up for now and keep reality from striking.

*******************************************

Later that evening.

Pacing. I just fucking knew this would happen. That it will happen, I mean. Nothing's happened. Yet.

Love's just an excuse to get hurt. That's the old Kinney-way of thinking. Happy now, Sunshine?

I'm such a wreck. I miss you so fucking much already...

And that's the exact moment my cell chooses to beep its way through the night. My heart feels like it's going to burst. 

I pick the goddamn phone up. It says:

_I'm in New York, no need for words now. The mess we're in and ...the city sunset over me. Night and day I dream of making love to you. Please know this : You are the only thing that keeps my heart on beating. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. I will always come back. Man can not live with half a heart.  
-J. _


	3. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

The fact that our bed's still empty, doesn't keep my heart from floating. 

I guess love really is madness.

I smile. That reminds me of this song he used to sing in the shower ( when he was in it alone, on rare occasions. He wouldn't dare to sing while I'm with him. I once threatened to never fuck him again if he did, you see. ) You know, that Hooverphonic one : "Ma-ad about you-ou...Ma-a.." (You get the picture, right)

No matter how unkeenly he was singing it ( thrust me on that one) it always made me melt.  
Well, sort of. Anyway...

But the one thing in this whole wide world that made me all moushy inside (except for my partner himself of course) are the sketches he draws of me. The always reveal so much of what he's feeling at that exact moment. I often can't breathe anymore when I see one.

When he was with Ian, I found one he made during those last fatal days together. He sketched my face so purely. The drawing was stained with tears.

I couldn't eat, nor sleep, for more than a week.

And there are certainly other things his hands can do. I grin. Just the thought of it makes me hard.

Man, I'm thristy.I walk over to the kitchen counter and open the fridge, the one he has - thank you thank you thank you - filled before he left. I can't image what I'd do if, on a day like this, I'd find nothing but poppers and water in it. (the basic essentials, my ass.)

It's only then that I notice the red bag lying there.  
His red bag.

I reach out, and open it.

*******************************************

It's funny how a silly toothbrush can make you feel. It'd a simple thing, but...

You see : every time Justin would move (back) in, or every time he took a step closer to unraveling my stubborn heart, I'd find his toothbrush, placed next to mine, in Our bathroom.

Every single time it felt like this was his way of saying : This is what I want, what I need. You are the one I love.

I cried for hours

* * *

This chapter was actually inspired by a little detail in the show. You see, when Justin enters the livingroom/kitchen/whatever, he is carrying a red bag. He never packs it, I believe. So I started brainstorming. Or should I say Brianstorming. Sorry, lame joke. I'm kinda tired. Anyway, I thought it would fit.


	4. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

From : JTaylor@Sky.com  
To : BKinney@Kinnetic.org  
Subject : Progress report (I am missing you to death)

Brian,

I was on a Greyhound this morning. The first time of my life! It was...kinda boring actually. I was doing nothing but thinking about you and I was sort of writing a letter to you in my head.

 

I can’t remember anything I wrote to you.

 

Except for the part where I tell you I love you and that I miss you more than I can say.

 

Your letter the other day... I would be a brat and a liar if I told you I knew all that stuff. I didn’t. All I wanted ( and still want ) to do was come home to you and/so we could make love for hours, days, months... But I know you’d never let me.

 

I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine. I’m... busy. You know, someone actually asked me to give a speech at NYU. Me! Speeching for a bunch of students...It’ll go wrong. I’m just a kid myself, even if I am the most mature person you know.

 

(That last statement will make you smile. How I long to see you smile...)

 

But you know, that won’t be the hardest part of it. The hardest part will be talking to them about you. 

 

Yes Brian, talking about you.

 

When I told you you are the only thing that keeps my heart on beating, I meant it. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. You know, Ethan was right about one thing: An artist always does his best work when he has someone he loves to inspire him. You are my inspiration and motivation for everything I do. That has never changed. I never stopped loving you since the first time you saw me standing under that post. Not for a minute.

 

Talking about you will therefore be inevitable. Telling a room full of strangers about the one person I miss so much that I feel only half alive, will be tough. You know how emotional I can get.

 

If you don’t want them to know about you, tell me. please.

 

Love you more than anything.  
-J.

 

“Bri-an!!” Debbies voice shrieks through my ears the minute I enter the diner.  
“Hi Deb,” I murmur non-enthusiastically. 

 

“So, how’s our sunshine doing?” There it was, the inevitable question that I’ve been asked every single time I meet one of our friends. So I start on japping about how he is, what he’s up to and how much he misses...the entire family.

 

“Well, the little shit better get his ass back for the holidays or I’ll rip him a new one!”  
With that, she disappears. And that’s for the better..

 

I miss seeing Justin in the diner, bussing tables and stealing a kiss from me, every opportunity he gets. I just miss...him. I miss him so fucking much.

 

[*************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

I’m startled when my phone goes off during my meeting with the Brown people. I smile once I read the callers ID though.Justin.

 

“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “It’s my...”

 

Yeah, what the hell is he? He’s not my husband. He’s more than a boyfriend. And he’s definitely not just ‘the guy I fuck more than once”. Can I still call him my fiancé now that we’ve ‘decided not to get married’? So I finish with:

 

“It’s my...Justin.”

 

That’ll have to be enough. Want the details? Book you’re campaign at Kinnetic.

 

“Hey,” I answer it. Rather banal, I agree. But like, who gives a shit?  
“Hey back,” Routine answer, waaay predictable, Sunshine.

 

“So, how’s that speech of yours coming?” Tongue-in-cheek-smirk? Check.  
“Terrible,” he sighs. “I don’t think I’m gonna prepare much though. I’ll just let it all roll out...”  
“Go with the fucking flow?” I laugh.  
“Something like that, yeah!” He laughs with me. I think it’s the most wonderful sound in the w...what am I, a lesbian? Nope. Just a man in love.

 

“Besides, you might get a hot professor out of it. Mickey did...” Please say you don’t want that. Please, Justin.

 

“Hey, yeah, I might...”The little shit is actually considering it.  
“ Don’t you fucking dare, you here me?” My pulse is fastening...

 

“Relax Brian. I don’t want a hot professor. When I promise someone I’ll love him forever, that’s what I’ll do. Besides, didn’t you read my letter? I could never even love someone else. You are my only one. You should know that by now.” I sigh relief.

 

“I know. I just...miss you so fucking much.” I try to hide the loneliness in my voice.  
“Me too. More than I can say.”

 

“I love you, Justin.” It still comes out shaky and full of emotion, hurt and emptiness.  
“Love you too. Love you so.”

 

His declaration sounds just the same.


	5. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

Two days later I find myself in the car, on a highway New York bound. My ‘On the road’ CD ( # 3 a.k.a ‘Songs about us’) is playing. I just keep on thinking about the last time I went to the Big Apple. and its outcome. I smile.

 

So once again the amazing blonde is my motivation for driving. The huge difference is that now, that same blonde has also become my motivation for living. 

 

_Here I go scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one._

 

So here I am, off to pay my partner a surprise visit. I can’t wait to see the look on his face.

 

[*****************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

Unfortunately, the first familiar face I come across in New York city isn’t the beautiful blonde head of the one I love. It’s the one of a sleazy, greasy, no-good, lying and ugly bastard, his face decorated by the pubic hair growing out of his chin.

 

“ Uhm, hi Brian...How’s it going?” Pubeman speaks.

 

I’m shaking with anger. That sleazy, greasy, no-good, lying, ugly bastard! 

 

“How’s it going? HOW’S IT FUCKING GOING ? You fucker! First you take Justin away from me, while you very much knew exactly how I feel about him...Then you cheat on him like the whore you are after promising him forever. Made him fucking hurt himself with roses...And now you fucking ask me how I am?”

 

Ethans face has lost all of its colour. But wait, fiddlerboy. There’s more to come...

 

“ Well, I’ll tell you how it’s going. Justin and I have been together for almost five years now and we love   
each other more than anything. I’ve asked him to marry me and he said yes... Does that answer your freaking question, Mr. Gold?” (I stretch his ‘name’, so it kinda comes out like Misssster Gooooooowld. With that he turns even more white and takes it as his queue to disappear.)

 

God, I can be such an angerball. Well, anyway, he fucking had it comin’.

 

[*****************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

When I finally calm down, I continue to walk the six blocks to Justins studio, where I figure he is this time of the day. So when I find it, I can’t help but feel nervous.

 

What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he’s in there fucking someone else? What will I do? What will I say?

 

Come on, Brian ! You’re being a drama princess. This is the man you’ll be spending the rest of your life with. Your only one.

 

Your....Justin.

 

I close my eyes and knock.


	6. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

I never thought I’d ever feel this way. The minute he opened the door and saw me... I can’t describe it. But I’ll tell you what I know. I know that when his eyes met mine, I saw pure love in them. I know that my pulse quickened and that my heart was set on fire. I know that I could reach for the stars. I know that I love him. And that’s all I ever need to.

 

His lips meet mine before I get a chance to say hello. I mean, isn’t that what you’re supposed to say? Apparently my partner changed the rules. He’s broken them before, you know?

 

And thank God or whoever the fuck’s out there, he did. He got through. Even with my walls in place. Even with my pokerface. No one had ever done that. He was my first. Will be my last. He’s my everything.

 

[******************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

“Is it...really you?” I think he’s in some sort of shock. Oh, Sunshine?  
“Yeah baby, it’s me.”   
He always feels the need to kiss me when I call him that. Today’s no exception. So, precautious, I reach out to him.

 

I hold him so close I’m afraid I’ll never be able to let him go. And I breathe him. Just like I have always done.

 

“ I love you.” I whisper the soft words against his ear. “ I miss you so.”

 

Tears roll down his face. “ I kn..know. Me too. So fucking much.” He can barely get it all out.

 

“Shh...Justin, don’t cry. I’m here. I'm here. ‘T’s ok...”

 

I smile. He looks so amazingly beautiful all covered in paint...And he’s only wearing...Wait a minute...

 

“You STOLE my freaking favourite shirt!” I cry out, half laughing, half shocked. I have been looking for that fucking thing!  
Through his tears, he flashes me an apologetic smile.

 

My baby’s busted.

 

“ I just, wanted something to have you near me. I’m sorry...It didn’t mean to upset you...”

 

Now that’s a statement that sweeps me off my feet. Don’t ask me why. I (re)act strangely sometimes. What did I tell you before about love being madness? This once again proves it.  
So I kiss him tenderly and cradle him in my arms. And then I know.

 

This feels like home to me.


	7. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

I wake up around 4 am. Everything seems foreign to me. Yet somehow this is where my heart belongs. It is sleeping cradled in my arms. And I feel whole again.

 

I’m not going to tell you that we fell asleep the moment our heads touched his pillow. Would you believe me if I did? Nothing can top coming home - sex with the man I love. Nice choice of words eh? 

 

We made love for hours. I found myself whispering the words I had once dreaded to speak, in every part of him. I marked him as my lover. I marked him as my only one.

 

[***************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

I pull him impossibly closer and listen to his heart. I can feel it beating in time with my own. Or very own duet. A love song.

 

I slowly kiss his eyes, that have seen through all of my façades and feel him stirring under my kisses.

 

I decide to let him sleep a little longer, even though I can’t wait to hear his voice and...other lesbianic thoughts fill my head. But, they can wait.

 

Because right now, I believe I am truly happy.

 

[***************************************************************************************************************************************]

 

My stage of euphoria doesn’t seem to last long, though. Nearly an hour after my awakening he calls out to me. 

 

“Br...Briaaan!”

 

I turn around to face him, only to find him still asleep. What the fuck? He’s even crying. Talking about heartbreaking...What should I do? I come to the conclusion that I will let him finish this dream, even though I know that it’s killing him. Hell, it’s even killing me to see him this way. But I figure, maybe he is (subconsciously, of course) trying to tell me something that he can’t say when he’s awake. It’s like....he’s sharing a secret. 

 

“Don’t go. No no. Don’t leave me here. I don’t want to...  
I fucking hate New York. Let me come home...home. home... 

 

M..Miss you. 

 

No...” 

 

And then he whispers the most heartbreaking words.

 

“I can’t live without you here...”

 

My baby lets out a few more sobs, before calming down and ending with a hushed “No.”.

 

I feel like I’m dying.


	8. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

That morning I convince myself that I didn’t hear him cry all night. My arguments are for shit. Still I put up my walls for him. I can’t let him know about the things he whispered. 

 

I feel relief.

 

I feel hope.

 

But if he knew, he would jump on the next greyhound. Back home. I can’t let him do that. I *won’t* let him do that. He has to take this step by himself. Even though it tears both of us apart. This is where he can become what he is destined to become: a fucking master-painter. I’ll let him be independent. If he wants to tell me, he will. 

He doesn’t.

Our goodbye was bitter. Our goodbye was sweet. ‘And it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life.’

I felt like I was leaving him drowning. Once again, I didn’t fucking save him. Our kisses made a home of orange clouds. ‘I had a dream, I stood beneath an orange sky.’

 

The city sunset - over me.


	9. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

The little red light is blinking on my return home. BEEP. You have 12 new messages. 11 of them or from me whining best friend (so, naturally, you just skip ‘m, you don’t need to deal with Mikey’s shit right now). You linger on the twelfth though, it one from him. 

 

< Message received : today at 9 pm. > BEEP.

“Hey, it’s me. I guess you’re not at home huh? I know I saw you today, so it doesn’t really make that much sense that I’m calling. It even makes less sense that I called home instead of your cell.” (Your heart jumps, he said home.) “So, anyway, I just want to thank you for coming to New York. You made this crappy thing that one calls ‘my flat’ feel like home, even if it only was for 2 days. Btw you know I had to give that speech today, right? It went great! Absolutely amazing and I have a feeling that I should thank you for that too. The professor was ‘very impressed, Mr. Taylor. I will contact you within the next few days.’. Woh-hoo. Ok, just forget about the Woh-hoo-thing k? It made me sound so immature, and I am supposed to be the more mature one. For I, sir, am MR. Taylor. Damn. *laughs*. Right. Call me when you get home ok? Love you.” BEEP.

*** 

I write a letter to myself. Call it a diary, call it pathetic. Call me lonely. Because it is, because I am. ‘Sometimes my mind is too strong to carry on.’ I’m the only one who would listen anyway.


	10. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

I gotta get out of here  
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake  
I gotta get out of here  
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

 

Justins POV

I stand in front of my window and inhale. I inhale this city, I inhale my own views. And then I breathe. I breathe him.

I know that I can’t do this anymore. I know that I am giving up on giving up slowly. I’ve blended in so they won’t even know me. I am no one but a whisper. I make nothing but mistakes.

And I long for him. I long for the place inside his arms that I have come to know as home. I know that he was here yesterday, or the day before that. I know that he was here not that long ago. Yet it feels like forever. 

Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made  
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me

I know he heard me crying. I know he didn’t say a word.

I also know how to speak Kinney. I know what he wants me to do. To take the first step. To float across the moon. And that is what I will do. As soon as I will let me.

“Shit.” I put out my cigarette. For I, MR. Taylor, have got a meeting with Mr. Very Impressed, Mr Taylor. He sounded kind of mysterious on the phone. I wonder what he’s up to.

***

I know I didn’t go to Dartmouth, but it’s kinda hard to tell. I am an excellent businessman. Brian would be proud of me. He would take me in his arms and press his lips to mine, passionately, yet tender. He would tell me that he loves me. In the only way he can. He would make love to me. I guess I will have to wait for that. But not long. Not long...

Escape.

I gotta get out of here  
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake  
I gotta get out of here  
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

 

Brian POV

Dear diary. I never ever thought I would write that, so I will not. Scratch it. Please do. But that will be the only thing I will ever scratch in this notebook. The rest of it’s my life. No wait, that’s not the truth, for right now, I am not truly living. I can’t live without him anymore, so the outcome of that sentence would be false. Well, I guess that’s the good part of this plan of mine, I can have all the lesbian thoughts I want to have without anyone, apart from myself, giving me any crap about it. Sanity is unraveling but I keep on writing down the things I feel. That’s another plus, I can feel. Although, ( see upper comment ) I am not truly feeling unless I’m feeling him. And I can. I can feel him. He is like the wind, I can’t see him. But I can feel him.

Sunshine, come and help me sing  
My heart is darker than these oceans  
My heart is frozen underneath

I’m a crooked soul  
trying to stay up straight  
dry eyes in the pouring rain  
well, the shadow proves the sunshine  
the shadow proves the sunshine

Too scared that I’ll run aways  
Hold fast to the brink of daylight  
where the shadow proves the sunshine  
the shadow proves the sunshine.

Brian.


	11. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

Brians POV

I stand in front of the window and realize that this will be the last time. This will be the last time that I will be able to wander around the loft. The place I have called my home ever since Justin moved in. Before he did, it was just...four walls and a floor, imported Italian fixtures... But it is the place where we made love for the first time. 

And then I can see them. All of the memories, replaying in front of my eyes. Our ice cream kisses on the chaise, our showers to ‘conserve water’, our fucks, and all the times we have made love. But I can see other memories to. I can see him falling asleep in my lap while we were watching DVD’s, see him cooking dinner for the both of us and I can see him painting at his computer. I’ve blocked out all of the bad memories though. They don’t matter anymore. Because I love him.Love...

Loving feels lonely.

 

Justins POV

It rains. I’m looking out of the window and see the drops slide down the cold glass. I won’t miss New York. I won’t feel empty. I will feel whole again. I will be home in his arms and rain tears and kisses upon him. I will cry and I will laugh. I will smile again.

The door slams and wakes me from this daydream that seemed to last forever. I can feel, rather than hear the engine start and then the greyhound will run its way through the lands. These lands will take me home. 

For the first time in a long time, I can feel my heart.

‘It’ll be a day like this one, when the world caves in.’


	12. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

I'm home. 

And as I stand outside of our building on Tremont, my heartbeat is so loud that I can't even see straight.

My feet slide upon the steps. For some reason I don't want to take the elevator. Don't ask me why though, I'd be unable to tell you. Maybe...Maybe I want to see that this is real, that I'm not stuck inside my daydreams. The elevator can take me anywhere, the stairs show me the way.

There's no such thing as an elevator to heaven.

Only stairs will bring you bliss. So my feet slide their way. To him. To us. 

I can see the metal door starting to take shape. And then I open it.

*

Brians POV : Memories just won't fade

This house holds so many memories. This is where I proposed - I mean *really* proposed - to him. It's where I told him he's my everything and where I silently promised I would be the same for him. This is the place where I handed him my heart. Don't get me wrong, he had my heart long before that, but this time...he didn't steal it. I *gave* it to him.

I can hear you thinking that those aren't many memories at all. True, but they are the best of my whole life. Only few can top them. The night I met him and my son was born.The night we danced without a happy ending (believe me, it was one of the best and the worst nights of my life). The first time we made love. The night we reunited. The night of the bombing, the moment I saw his face and realised that my heart was still alive. The moment I told him I love him, even though I was so fucking scared to.

I you think it's weird that all these memories include him, it isn't. You know, someone once said : You can be anywhere when your life begins.

My life begun at a lamppost on liberty, when I was 29.

'It was a very good year'

So now I'm standing here, without him, my heart taking over. The palace seems so lonely. One day my prince will come again. One day...


	13. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

I would love to say that it's just like I remembered, but it's not.It's...empty. And not like feeling-empty. Empty as in empty. No furniture, no electricity and most importantly : no Brian. 

The echoes of my footsteps are as hollow as...as freaking bullshit-words without actions. 

My mind is anything but, as I search for any clue at all. And then, inside of the everlasting stream of thoughts, his voice, so clear : "I'm also selling the loft.And the club..." Oh God.

He selled this, the place he (and I) called home for so long, to buy my dreamhouse and marry me. 

So I guess there's only one place he could be. 

How the FUCK am I going to get to West-Virginia??

*

I wake up and...fuck, my head hurts. Before I even open my eyes I can feel I'm home. The pale brown walls stare at me and I know that I must've fallen asleep during the nostalgic tour of my past. Am I being a princess or what? My past is not that long ago. So the title really doesn't apply. This isn't my home anymore. Actually Brian is. Wait-Right. Home. Brian. West-Virginia.Bus.NOW.

I can't let anyone of the gang see me though.I owe it to Brian to see him before I see 'the family'. And quite frankly, that's exactly what I want too...

The air in the loft must have been loaded with some shit from Anita because truly, the next thing I remember is standing outside of our house and the next minute Brian is holding me tight and I'm crying.

" How long?" He whispers.

" I'm home."

I'm home.


	14. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

18:07

This room, it's...dark in here. But there's something else now. 

This feeling that I can't seem to explain. 

Can't seem to breathe.

Which could be bad. Could be good.

Could be heartache.

I don't think I can be whoever it is that I am anymore. I feel...

I feel.

I c

*

My breath hitches. 

Holy shit.

*

And then I can feel him. He's here. He's in my arms. He's home.

Breathe.


	15. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

A/N : I live by music. It helps me deal, write and most importantly : it helps me live. While I was writing this chapter I was listening to various songs on repeat: Kiss the rain (Billy Myers -don't know if the name's spelled correctly), I so hate consequences (the slower part of the song, by Relient K by the way -- I have used this part in this chapter) Let me go (3 doors down)and finally, Sleep by the Dandy Warhols. That song has become my Queer as folk song, since it has been played on the show. It sort of helps me in seeing Brian and Justin. It helps. I live.

* * *

I am amazed. This feels like flying. Like... falling up. Falling down. Falling for him, all over again.

And I find myself talking, to him. This is no dream, I convince myself.   
I let myself believe.

From my lips, the words I choose to say seem pathetic. But it’s a fallen man’s praise. I speak my love for him in all the ways that I can. I kiss and tell.

I said the words I knew you knew   
Oh God, oh God, I needed you   
God, all this time I needed you, I needed you 

And then, as the rain starts to fall upon our faces and collides with salty tears,

we dance to our duet. 

Because it’s there.  
Because he’s here.

Because we are and will be damaged goods. together. 

always.


	16. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

The broken string we'll fix tonight  
and then I'll hold your hand  
when we open the dance

 

Justins POV

And then we dance. We kiss the rain and feel our tears start to vapor to the evening sky.

We love and hold and breathe and live. again.

'And when the doors were closed,  
I heard no 'I told you so's'.

The wind plays in our favor. The force of nature brought me home.

'All this time I needed you.'

And now we're here. and home. and...

breathe.

 

Brians POV

"You're cold," he whispers. Well, yeah, a pair of cargo pants doesn't really qualify as overdressing.

"I don't care." I tell him, and I mean it. I can't feel it. Can't feel anything. Anything but this.

And as my face is closing the space untill there's only us, I whisper. "marry me?"

He looks into my eyes and...smiles, making my heart skip several beats. "yeah." Barely a whisper, barely a breath. But all I need to know.

Smile. Breathe. Collide.

Fall.


	17. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

A/N : I am so so sorry it took me so long to update. Please review to let me know if you like it.

* * *

Brians POV

I open my eyes and cry. Not a normal reaction, I think to myself. It’s just...I’m to happy to smile. Because he is- he is here. Home and safe in my arms. 

Little shit. He fucking did this to me. I used to be a heartless shit you know, never let anyone come close. And then he came and stayed. Made me feel alive again. I died a little- no, not a little, more than that- whenever he left. I couldn’t...

Christ Kinney, isn’t that like the - I don’t know, I have thought it over a million times. And I can’t seem to feel enough.

So I cry. 

Hanging by a thread.

*

Justin’s POV

I open my eyes and cry. 

I know that I am okay. Finally. Just like my song has told me.

I turn around in his arms and kiss the little freckle just below his chin, hidden in its shadow. The one no one knows about. But I can see.

‘Hey’ we breathe simultaneously, grinning like idiots. Our duet continues to beat its way throughout our hearts. Our bodies. Our words. For he speaks. 

To me, there’s always been a difference between talking and speaking. Brian never talked to me about his emotions, but he spoke them. Everyday. 

I sigh contently. Now he does both.

‘What’cha thinking?’ He smiles sweetly, shyly.   
‘ I love you.’ I look into his eyes and I see the purity and honesty and it - he - amazes me. 

Always.

{ Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time  
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you}

‘You know - ,’ I tell him as my fingers trace a path up to his jaw, ‘You know I’m here to stay, right.’

He nods and smiles and - god, I love that smile, it’s the one he uses *on special occasions*, the one that reaches the deepest hazel found in his eyes, causing them to shine.

Silence covers us, not an uncomfortable one, but one that can be filled, so I do by telling him about the business deal I made with Mr. “Very Impressed Mr. Taylor”. I can paint here - home - and send them to them. Shows are coming up. My shows. 

He does it, I knew he would. He takes me in his arms and presses his lips to mine, passionately, yet tender. He tells me that he loves me and makes love to me once more.

This is us. Nothing else matters.

{ Forever trust in who we are  
And nothing else matters. }


	18. Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

A/N : I'd like to take this oppurtunity to express my deepest thanks to Sarah Bettens. She's belgian, just like me. I feel connected to her songs both solo and K's choice's songs. They mean so much to me. The song I have used in this chapter comes from Sarahs album : Scream. It's...I don't know. I can't explain how it makes me feel. I just wanted to share it with you, because it expresses Justins feelings about NY. You should really listen to it.

* * *

Brian’s POV

I am positively glowing. I am so proud of him and - God, I love this man. The way his cheeks flush a little when he gets exited about his journey. The way he feels in my arms and the way his eyes see me like I am. I am nothing more in them. Nothing less. 

His love doesn’t ask. It just...is.  
I prop up one elbow and rest my head on it, as I ask him: ‘Were you - happy?’

He is silent for a while, thinking about my question, his answer. ‘I don’t know,’ he says.

He gets up and out of my arms and I mourn the loss of his warmth. ‘Stay here,’ he whispers. ‘I need you to - listen.’

His discman appears out of his duffel bag and then he just - nestles back into me. I feel content and loved again, opening my mouth to say something - anything to express this. He presses his finger against my lips and as I kiss it, a song begins to play.

‘I felt this. I lived this. I -’

{ Look for me right when the lights go down  
My one little natural high  
I should be floating on top of the world  
but I just keep wondering why  
I feel more alone in this wonderful crowd  
than I ever do on my own  
I know that this is a place I belong  
but I’d rather be coming back home

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,  
I just need to know that you’re waiting  
You’re waiting for me

Someone keeps saying I could be a star  
I’m never quite sure what that means   
Sounds like there’s something I’m missing right now  
I’m not who they think I could be  
But all that I’m missing is you, my love  
Come find me whenever you can  
I’ll be the one looking up at the sun  
with a picture of you in my head

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,  
I just need to know that you’re waiting  
You’re waiting for me

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,  
I just need to know that you’re waiting  
You’re waiting for me.}

I slowly kiss him as we both smile ourselves back to sleep. Our song playing on repeat.


	19. Tell Me This Suprise Is...

  
Author's notes: I'm sooo sorry it took me so long. I'm a girl of many stories. They keep poppin' in my head when I should study. STUDY! Oww. I do love this distraction though. Tell me this chapter is.... I live for reviews. xxL.  


* * *

Michaels POV

I'm gonna kill him. I really am. 

He never even called to tell me where he was. I am his BEST friend for Godssakes. I sure hope he's not pining after that little shit again. Why can't he see that he's NOT coming back?! Which is good. Really good.

I'll finally have him back. The Brian I knew. 

So now he's coming into the diner, smiling at - no, through me. But, he's here. And that's - 

good. No, that's GREAT.

Until he looks behind him and intertwines his fingers with...

NO.

FUCK!

*

Emmetts POV

Oh. Ooooh.

This is nice. To see him smiling again, even if it's not at us, but at a secret only he knows.

He's been so ... sad since Justin left. Empty. It's true, people! Brian Kinney felt the dumbing down of love. Lover without love. - I so very much adore that song -. Only the words don't apply in the eternal B/J show. Lovers, never without love. 

They are the most wonderful Liberty Show. Their love never ends. It never will.

He looks over his shoulder, seeing the object of his smile and...

MY BABY'S BACK! *swoons dramatically*

 

*

Teds POV

And all I can say is

"JEZUS!"

Brian laughed. "No...Justin!" Pointing at him and sealing the words with a kiss. Grinning around it. Or is it - smiling?

I don't think I've ever seen him this - happy. He's happy.

And Justin, he's...radiant, as always. Positively glowing.

Sunshine.

*

Brians POV 

Waiting for Deb to arrive and discover (Save our souls!), Emmett's clapping his hands, Ted's like - gazing Ted-like and Michael's mouth is hanging open, so wide a dove could shit in it.

I don't hear a thing though. I can hear their words, reply with snarky sarcasm and smile, but nothing's breaking through the walls I've built around us. (They've shifted from my heart to ours)

He's shown me how to come alive once again.

I'm flying -

falling for him, all over again.

*

Debbies POV

Oh dear lord. "SUNSHINE!

COME AND GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG!" I scream into the ears of every fucking Liberty patron. 

Uh- woops?

"Moooom," I hear Michael shout. Oww, shut the fuck up, honey, and grow some BALLS.! I love my Sunshine too. He's my baby. Aaaand Brian's of course. He kills anyone who comes too close. Our big Pro-tec-tooor. My lost boy is in love.

*

Justins POV

Don't get me wrong, I am - really happy to see them all (well, except for Michael, who's in full pout-mode. Grow the hell up.) but - I only have *singing on the inside* "Eyes for him". *laughs* I do love a good corny song. He'd roll his eyes at the mere idea, although I am suspecting he has been missing me singing " Mad about you " in the shower. *smiles*

Wanna bet - hunh, hunh?

I love him too goddamn much.  
It makes me live.


	20. Eve

  
Author's notes: Ok, I'm on my way, I can't stop writing now. Next chap'll be up soon. Thank you.  


* * *

I like your face I like your body  
like your feet I like your nose  
I like your chest beneath the covers  
like your heart I like your soul  
(Forever and a day community)

Brians POV

The months had come and gone so fast. Time flew out the windows of the snowcovered houses until we could see the sun again. Rays of it had filled our days, our rooms, our hearts, ever since that cold novemberday, but - this time it was real. It was back. He was home, for good and. here we are. The place I'd never imagined myself being. Never this way. Well, it's actually not the place that counts. It's the - situation I guess. The sounds of sea only resound the words in our minds. Remind us that this is where we're supposed to be. It is the eve of our wedding and we search the waves for answers we already know. It has always soothed us, this place of hopes and dreams. The sea forces you to dream and we dream so - 

so much. So intensely. It is our dreams that made us who we are. The dreams led us to - this. And that's the only thing that matters. Right here, right now. Right love.

We have faced so much together, but storms hit the lighthouse and it has never stopped from shining. 

This is getting all too corny, so I'll just be content right now. Hold him and be.


	21. This Morning Is A Promise

  
Author's notes: Well, it was Valentine's day yesterday and once again I found myself alone and in a nostalgic mood. Perfect to write, I thought. So I sat behind my laptop at an hour I should have been asleep and wrote. Things got really emotional for me so tears were spilled. The song I was listening to while I wrote this chap, was (theme from)Harry's game, by Clannad. It really helped me.  


* * *

BRIANS POV

I wake up, my heart beating out of my chest. Today. This is the day all of my past comes down to. The asshole - the stud - the lover - the man. It is the day I have been fearing ever since I learned not to love, since the day everyone I knew let me down. But now that it's here, I feel so free, I could soar above the earth. Well, okay, maybe not exactly, but there is this - lightness in me. I can't situate it and I can't explain why it's there. If you have ever felt this way you will know what I am talking about. Although I doubt anyone ever feels the way I do now. No one ever has, I believe, and no one ever will. Because there is only one of him. Only one of me. Only one of us. If they all knew what we know, they would not believe it. But we are here, and it is real. It is  
real.

And with those thoughts I open up my eyes and watch the ceiling. Staring at the patterns I have studied over and over  
again. A smile gets the better of me when I can feel him. Not because he's moving. Because of something else. This day is full of feeling. I turn my head and look at him, the few rays of light the blinds are letting through playing upon his face. I don't think he's ever truly realized how beautiful he is. I wipe his hair out of his eyes and kiss them softly. His lashes blink and open, revealing the most beautiful pair of the blue eyes I have ever seen in my life. They are as deep as oceans and as pure as skies.

I can see the exact moment he realizes what the fates have in store for us today. He smiles while being deadly serious. This is real, his memories are telling him. This is it.

*

JUSTINS POV

I open up my eyes and smile. After a zillion of seconds my dreams dawn on me. Today. I can't believe this happened. Five years of daydreaming have finally caught up on me and have turned into ... Am I sleepwalking? I must be because this can't possibly - be. 

"Goodmorning," I softly murmur, the only thing I can do right now.

~ " To proove to the person that I love how much I love him" ~

"Goood - morning, Sunshine!" He whispers happily, content to be where we are today. And while we savour this one last morning, to which many more will follow, his words of long ago, still etched in my memory, resound in my ears. While he hold me in his arms and we just lie there. Nothing more - for hours. Me, him, and all these silent memories.

~ " That I would give him anything, I would..do anything, I'd be anything...to make him happy " ~

There will be difficult times that we will have to struggle through, we know, but all of it matters. Days with or without rain.


	22. A Case Of You

  
Author's notes: Still being emotional, I decided to keep on writing through the night. Hey, I didn't have to be anywhere this morning until 10 o' clock. Part of it was written during my Dutch class sometime september-ish. Hope y'all like this one, it was the most intense chapter I've written. The song I was listening to, was "A case of you" by Joni Mitchell. You should listen to it while reading this. It'll make it more like the way I saw it. xxxL. Pleaase review.  


* * *

JUSTINS POV

There aren't many people, but all the ones that matter. Emmett, Teddie, Debbie, Carl, Michael (who knew) Ben and Hunter, Linds Mel Gus and JR (who flew over immediately), my mom and Molly. No father needed, but two mothers to walk me down the isle. Imagine that.  
Cynthia and Daphne, who Brian insisted be my bridesmaid. I whacked him for that one. And a handful of other people who have meant something.

Have I told you how surreal all of this seems? 

Today has been perfect up until now. Right now it's more than that. I walk down the aisle where he is standing, so still, so beautiful. I know he sees the things I do, I know he sees the wonder of it all. We have parted many times but still we have never done the one thing people expected from us. We have never stopped this thing called us.

{ They knew your devils and your deeds and they said :Stay with him if you can but be prepared to bleed.}

I have arrived at the altar and he smiles at me through the tears that are forming behind his hazel eyes,slowly falling on the inside. I have drowned in those eyes so many times, never knowing how to swim.

I never needed to.

*

BRIANS POV

I am so nervous I can't breathe. Michael pats me on the shoulder and I grab his hand, holding it there for a while. Even after all of our differences he is here. Seeing all of this and finally knowing that I have met my match. My only one.

And then Justin's there, walking towards me with Deb and Jen by his side. Jennifer has come to mean a lot to me and I smile at the sight of her. She was my resort these last months. And I was hers, I believe. We both had each other.

He looks so beautiful.

~ " I do?" ~

I nod. He smiles. And then we there's no one here but us.

 

\--

Okay Brian, you can do this - I tell myself. Take a deep breath before I start to speak and ..

"Justin, if someone would've told me five years ago that Brian Kinney would be in a relationship with a man twelve years his junior and then propose to him - twíce - I would've laughed in their fucking face."  
I snicker and pause for a few seconds.  
"And... and I think some people still would. But you know, fuck it. And fuck them. Because they don't know what it's like when we fall asleep together, wrapped up in each other and what it's like to wake up next to you. They don't know how happy (my voice cracks on this word) you make me feel, today and all the previous days and all the days that will come. Even if I went kicking and screaming." I laugh and actually - everybody does. Justin just smiles and I know that it's because he's just too emotional right now. I can read him like a book.  
" And let's just ... let's just do this..forever. Because no matter what, Justin, I am not letting you go. I just love you too much for that. There were times when I almost lost you. I was so fucking scared, Justin - I, couldn't breathe. Just going through the motions without feeling anything but emptiness. But you - you make me feel."  
"I remember you once told me love is touching souls, well, you've surely touched mine. You have opened up a part of me that some people - including me from time to time- weren't even sure I had. I know I fucked up lots of times. And I'll fuck up many times more. But that's okay and I'm not scared anymore. Because I know you'll be there, to call me on my bullshit or maybe just to fuck up with me.I want to fuck up forever - with you."

Tears were rolling down his cheeks and the cheeks of many more. Deb, Jen and Emmett were full out crying. And Cynthia,Lindsay and Michael were getting there. Even Mel was fighting. I couldn't blame them.

*

JUSTINS POV

And as I listen to these words of love and promise that he's saying, my emotions get the better of me. He takes my head in his hands and wipes the tears away with his thumbs, mouthing 'don't cry'. I nod my head and laugh. "Damn you for getting to go first"   
I close my eyes and breathe.

"Brian, you know I have always loved you. Even during mý fuck up moments, and everybody knew. I knew too, I knew that I'd never let you leave my heart. But you know, every time one of us fucked up, the other did too. And we always found our way back and..and we always will. I've been so scared at times, but every single time you were there. To catch me when I fell out of what I fell in." He smiles, and I know he remembers the song I used to play over and over again.  
"A lot of things have come between us. Beliefs, words, joboffers, cancer and a greasy fiddler." We both shiver at the thought of that no good, lying, ugly, bastard. We shake it off immediately.  
" But I never stopped loving you. It made me fall in love with you even more. And I don't know what would've happened if we hadn't met that very first night. It was the first night I'd felt alive. Maybe I was just naieve, but I know that what I felt, what I am still feeling, is real. And that's all that matters.At the beginning nobody believed me, especially you. They told me about your devils and your deeds and although I believed every word they said, I was persistent." I laugh. "Looks like it paid off in the end, huh?" He smiles, an honest smile.  
" It was all worth it, Brian. I'll never regret any of it. "

And then he kissed me and everybody smiled through their tears. Knowing that we'd finally done it. We were here.


	23. This Night Seems To Be Forever

  
Author's notes: Ok, so this one is the very last chapter. I wrote it about an hour ago. I'm sort of sad saying goodbye to this story. I have a lot of beautiful memories writing it. Thank you all so much for being there for me and reading these words. I love you all. xxxL  
  
song : A day without rain - Enya  


* * *

We just lie there in the bed in our new house, side my side, our hands intertwined. Playing with the newfound additions to them. I turn my head towards him and after a while he does the same.

"Wow" I can't help but say.  
"Yeah."

" I never gave you your wedding present." He says.   
" Brian," I laugh, "We're not supposed to give wedding presents...we're supposed to *receive* them." I giggle. He rolls his eyes : "Okay, then *don't* think of it as a wedding present, think of it as... a treat." I smile a megaWatt smile and say : "Oooh-kay.?"

A quick kiss on the lips and then he leaves me with the words 'I'll be right back'. My fingers mourn the loss of his. I put my hands in front of my face and smile even wider when I feel the silver touch it. In the meantime I can hear him looking for something and then running towards the bedroom as soon as he can, like a kid that had just gotten a new toy for Christmas. He jumps (and I mean literally *jumps*) on the bed and gives me a blue envelope.   
"Open it." He says, feeling sort of nervous. I do just that and inside I find two planetickets. To Ibiza. "You did not..." I cry out. He nods his head and puts on his tongue-in-cheek-smirk. "Did too!" He yelps. And then - I can't hold myself any longer. 

"You're mine!" I growl. And kiss him passionately. "Yeah,"he whispers."I am."


End file.
